Garbage

Fri. June 7
No school today. No rudder today. No destination. No nothing. I'm depressed. I don't know why.
In ho
No one else has done that.
Haven't been under sunlight in over
Branch Davidianism - on PBS. Dodgers losing 6-1 in the seventh to Cards.
I seem to be skipping my Wednesday night softball game. Am I letting the team down? This seems like such a monumental decision. I called my brother. Asked if they had enough guys. He said the could probably cover me but then he told me to change my last name and called me a fag.
Jim blackballed from a frat? gives him an age.
Need to keep going. The constant urge to bail
the bail button pressed. Slang originates in prison look up bail. Sad feeling how escape
The evangelist on the radio while waiting in the desert for help...

I Want to Abuse Without Consequence

Thurs. June 6

I was in the Barnes and Noble on Colorado in Pasadena with Mariachi and Sanyo and Fredo. I got a new Gabriel Marquez book, Pilgrims in the title, and a Pulitzer Prize winner by Richard Ford and a short story collection. I buy books so im- com- -pulsively.

I'm back at my desk. The computer is irradiating me. I'll switch it over to Jim Crack's Trip ? or the Adventures of ? I'm indecisive lately. I've been sitting here so long doing nothing the computer screen switched off. I think it's timed to go off after about ten minutes or so. Sonia Soso and work ethics
The death of Organized Killing
He tapped his fingers to keep time
What's MY throughline? What do I want? I want to be able to abuse what I want without consequence.
I want a bowl of raisin bran. I want to consume without weight.
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I feel misrepresented by myself.
"If you want a woman to play maid for you, you've got to make certain concessions."
Audacity. Fee Fo Fi Fum Grimm's fairy Tales.
"How big of you to admit it."

Disturbing News

Wed. June 5, 1996
"I've seen these pornos dozens of times, so at my brother's today, I got some new ones." "Isn't that embarrasing?" she asked.
What's up with pornography? Why's it frowned upon by good folks?
---
Love is non-existent for him, except as a distant memory.
__
How is it that evil is associated with sex?
Threat of life and death is tied up with this act
the flow of DNA stimulated
without the thought of love
__

I have to go to Encino for a softball game tonight.
_
"Parmesan crunchies all along the edge."

Got the Mariners and the Indians on ESPN tonight.

This is tough, hard, difficult to think of things to write. Joan Osborne sings a beautiful song on 101.9. A Norelco Lady's Shaver commercial is on TV. The rickety ceiling fan whirring and whirling wobbily over head, not in a circle, but a clunky oval, threatening beheading in comic ominousness.
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I should force my ass to post stuff on the internet. How did the word "ass" become a symonym for the word "self"? He picks his toenails.
uhm Hargrove visits Nagy on the mound as Seattle ties the game Does the story lose continuity as the point of view moves from character to character? Plunk just struck out Strange. Jeff Bagwell advised me against chewin' tobacco.
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If I don't go to the game, will I violate the spirit of the team?
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Jeopardy next stay tuned.
_
But the fees weren't filed and the roster wasn't turned in. All our games count as forfeits in the standings, even our four-game winning streak.

I've been keeping track of my Jeopardy score on a homemade socrecard. I did well and still lost tonight. Didn't bet enough in the end.
I called up there. Kona answered. He agreed I would be violating the spirit of the team by not showing. Then Ryan got on the line. He tried to persuade me to come, but he said he'd try to find someone to replace me. I said I'd call back. My brother just called asking, "What's this disturbing news I hear?"

The Best Laid Plans of Dumbasses and Bitches

Tues. June 4

Dumb-ass bitches. Are women all just mainly stupid or just the ones I attract? The multi-billion dollar cosmetic industry, fashion industry, and cosmetic/fashion magazine industry has me leaning toward the idea that it's all of 'em. A dumb-ass bitch will spend $100 on a new pair of shoes when she already has twenty, and not know a goddamn thing about some life-or-death thing like whether or not her brake shoes need replacing. They are almost entirely all walking penis traps, doing everything they can to gete us to notice their tits and their asses and their lips all while complaining that they are being exploited. The women I know are all a bunch of money-wasting emotional rollercoasters dependent on men for all common sense and higher thinking. There are rare exceptions I will admit.

I was looking forward to puffing my one and only little kernal of cannibis today when I got home, do some writing about Jim Crack trapped on the couch, give it some monstrous mythical proportions, get A. and J.C.'s conversation going, introduce some through lines--Shirelle smoked it. She had worked the graveyard shift, and was going to sleep anyway, and wasted my last little high in her own huge oblivion. It makes me not give a fuck about anything. The best laid plans of fuckheads and dumbasses.

Hot and smoggy today. My fingers are now resin-stained. Boogersnots. I got a lot done yesterday. I actually added to the official Jim Crack manuscript. It's dense.

Pete Lee popped in.

I haven't been noticing much lately. I 've begun this Writer's Journey book. What I have in mind for Jim flaunts its formula for story pattern, but at least it gives me a comparison.
Did forty minutes on the treadmill listening to Metallica, watching the Simpsons and Seinfeld and talking on the phone with Mariachi. Did some jounral transferral, stroked the guitar, finished Hall, played a game of chess, read some Robbins, had half a toke, renewed my internet account.

A big magnolia is blooming out the back window across the street behind us. All over town the jacarandas are lavendering the streets like sexy lingerie. I was going to make a quesadilla when I got home, but all the cheese is gone. Well, almost. I had a little one. Read the whole newspaper and did the crossword. Called about a writer's conference in Malibu. Sent a story to the Nelson Algren short story Awards. Cleaned up my desk. Planned my week on the planner.

The Stanley Cup Finals start tonight, the Colorado Avalanche against the Florida Panthers. The Dodgers'll be on a little later, too.
How to rid my brain of emptiness. Rid emptiness?
Jim may get Alice in Wonderland on TV. Step in gum. The woman in purple on the way back to work.
In the car he dumped Visine in his eyes, but it's tempearture matched his own and he couldnt' tell it was dropping until it had soaked the front of his shirt.

God Seemed a Little Immature

Mon. June 3

Holy crap, I have not been writing much. When I got home from the museum Thursday I was wipedout tired, and I snored and drooled on the couch and I don't remember that night, but I didn't do shit, I can safely say. Friday I had to go to that faggoty class where I never even finished the newspaper. When I got home, Shirelle wanted me to go with her to Dina's, but I was tired and had class at 8am the next morning, so I didn't go. Godam I'm boring. After that faggoty class on Saturday, I drove over to Mike's. He and Ramone were unloading Ramone's BBQ. We played Wiffleball around the pool for a while, then they went to the store and I came home and napped through the Dodger game. Around 4 we fired up Shell's Mustang and stopped off at Swamp Thing's boss's house so he could water her plants and bring in her mail, then we sped out to Reseda and partied in celebration of Mike's graduation. Bernie came back with us that night. I puked up my Jaegermeister. We had brunch in Marina Del Rey at Shanghai Red's. Came home and watched the end of the Dodger game. Shell, Swamp Thing and Bernie went to the beach. Walcha showed up. Then Stevo showed up. We hung out. Stevo left. Geoff and I went to Borders and I bought some CDROMS and An American Comedy and a tape that I wish I hadn't have bought.
So what a waste of a weekend. Even now I'm only writing in the most cursory way. I'm just glossing. Been reading Numbers, maybe the most boring book in the Bible. God's requirements of his people. God seemed a little immature at first.
Dreams of Lori S. again. Not gonna go to the 10 year reunion. What else? I feel guitly that I'm only writing whatever crap in here just so I can be done with this.
Maybe I should have a smoke, fire my imaginiation, get me some satisfaction. yeah, yeah, yeah
I smell chicken. Bock bock balk
Watched that movie "Friday" last night with Ice Cube. So what. Reactivated my internet account. I don't care bout nothing today. Timothy Leary died. whup te do. Talked to my grandparents today all of e'm.
So what
muffhugger buttkisser poopie ca ca doo doo call Keith, Jean piss off hiney booger snot crap Time's up! Adios sayanora ciao arrivaderci aloha adieu hasta la pasta see ya