11-6-99 Sa 4:34 PM
I'm in Idaho. Grandpa Zurn's condition worsened, so my dad flew us up here to Hayden Lake via Reno, Boise, and Spokane. I had to miss my weekend museum class with Miss Villasenor. I called the program director to try to have the two hundred dollars I paid applied to a future class, but she refused. I left eight hundred dollars at the house for Shirelle. She's moving out this weekend and taking all the furniture with her. I met my brother and sister at the house. We took Bernice's Honda to the airport. I was nervous all day. My dad said on the phone that my grandfather's heart is failing. All day it felt like I'd just been punched in the stomach. I tried to imagine what we were in for. I was afraid to see him die. I had talked to Gabi earlier, and she said it was as much about him seeing me and his family around him before he went as it was about us seeing him. I felt really selfish. I kept thinking about the opportunity lost with Anne. I had a couple of bourbons on the plane and started talking to a pretty face on the seat in front of me. Before she got off the plane in Reno, I handed her a not asking if I could call her. She wrote her number on the note and gave it back. On to Boise we flew. The old man next to me told me about his prostate and how much he loved Boise. When we landed, the stewardess announced there was a hydraulic problem with the plane, and we had to hang around the Boise airport for two hours. I played pinball and thought a lot of selfish things. I wondered if he would be dead or alive when we arrived. When we finally got to Spokane, my dad told us that Grandpa seemed to be doing a little better, though he wasn't out of the woods yet. I was cheered. I started to wonder if coming up here was really necessary. My father seemed so strange to me on the ride to Hayden. Joan had sandwiches for us when we got to the house. We talked a while. I was tired. I went to bed. I prayed to God to bless Shirelle, and Anne, and Gabi, and the girl on the plane. "Oh, and Grandpa," I threw in almost as an afterthought. I went to sleep with that old bittersweet love in my head.~~~~~~~~~_______________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________Dark. A light came on. Voices. I was angry with my father for a moment--his lack of tenderness. I realized it wasn't morning. It was three thirty in the night. "Boys, get up," my stepmother said sternly. "Get dressed. We're going to the hospital. Your grandfather..." I couldn't figure out what she was saying at first. My brain wouldn't work. I sat up and put my feet on the floor. He must be gone. I dressed. My dad had already gone to get my grandmother. My stepmother drove us to the hospital. There was some confusion. She didn't know for sure if he was gone or not. The nurse that called said he was alive, but his BP was dropping and his pulse was erratic. Joan wanted to wait in the parking lot 'til my dad got there. I felt bitter. "Let's not just wait here if he's in there dying. Let's go be with him." We drove around the parking lots looking for my dad. He wasn't there. It was raining and cold. We got out and walked to the door, but it was locked. We went back to the car and drove around to the other side. We had to walk through a long maze of halls back to the other side of the hospital. Up the elevators to the third floor. If he's still around, we should go in," I said, "but if he's already gone, we should wait and let until Grandma can go in and make her peace. Joan went ahead to check and came out nodding and mouthed the words, "He's gone." [pencil sketch of grandfather's dead face] My eyes started to sting and stream. His expression of love for us was unconditional. Gone forever. It seemed trite, and then the tears stung harder, and I rebuked myself again. I saw my dad down the hall staring up at the ceiling in tears. His arms were outstretched. He might have been asking God why or trying to bring Gramps back. He came to me and embraced me and my sister with those arms, sobbing. "You're a good man," I said, rubbing his neck and back, crying. We stayed like that a while. "You want to come see him." We went in. His skin had the unmistakable pallor of the dead. His mouth was open. Grandma was hunched over him, and a new wave of hurt hit. I left the room. I wanted to leave her alone with him for a while. They'd been in love since they were children. "Oh, kids, oh, kids," she said. "He loved you kids so much." We hugged and I kissed her salty face. I ugh. I feel like a ghoul writing like this. My poor grandma. I sat in the waiting room. Never see him again. They saddest of all was how in love they stayed for so many years, and then I cried about Shirelle and me. "God damn, we're playin' football here," I hear my dad in the next room now. I rode back from the hospital with him, just the two of us. The last two John L Zurns. I felt like a failure. I wished I'd had a child to show Grandpa before he was gone. I said nothing. The Beach Boys were on the radio. I wanted to turn it off, but I didn't want my dad to notice me. I'm being called to eat.
I'm in Idaho. Grandpa Zurn's condition worsened, so my dad flew us up here to Hayden Lake via Reno, Boise, and Spokane. I had to miss my weekend museum class with Miss Villasenor. I called the program director to try to have the two hundred dollars I paid applied to a future class, but she refused. I left eight hundred dollars at the house for Shirelle. She's moving out this weekend and taking all the furniture with her. I met my brother and sister at the house. We took Bernice's Honda to the airport. I was nervous all day. My dad said on the phone that my grandfather's heart is failing. All day it felt like I'd just been punched in the stomach. I tried to imagine what we were in for. I was afraid to see him die. I had talked to Gabi earlier, and she said it was as much about him seeing me and his family around him before he went as it was about us seeing him. I felt really selfish. I kept thinking about the opportunity lost with Anne. I had a couple of bourbons on the plane and started talking to a pretty face on the seat in front of me. Before she got off the plane in Reno, I handed her a not asking if I could call her. She wrote her number on the note and gave it back. On to Boise we flew. The old man next to me told me about his prostate and how much he loved Boise. When we landed, the stewardess announced there was a hydraulic problem with the plane, and we had to hang around the Boise airport for two hours. I played pinball and thought a lot of selfish things. I wondered if he would be dead or alive when we arrived. When we finally got to Spokane, my dad told us that Grandpa seemed to be doing a little better, though he wasn't out of the woods yet. I was cheered. I started to wonder if coming up here was really necessary. My father seemed so strange to me on the ride to Hayden. Joan had sandwiches for us when we got to the house. We talked a while. I was tired. I went to bed. I prayed to God to bless Shirelle, and Anne, and Gabi, and the girl on the plane. "Oh, and Grandpa," I threw in almost as an afterthought. I went to sleep with that old bittersweet love in my head.~~~~~~~~~_______________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________Dark. A light came on. Voices. I was angry with my father for a moment--his lack of tenderness. I realized it wasn't morning. It was three thirty in the night. "Boys, get up," my stepmother said sternly. "Get dressed. We're going to the hospital. Your grandfather..." I couldn't figure out what she was saying at first. My brain wouldn't work. I sat up and put my feet on the floor. He must be gone. I dressed. My dad had already gone to get my grandmother. My stepmother drove us to the hospital. There was some confusion. She didn't know for sure if he was gone or not. The nurse that called said he was alive, but his BP was dropping and his pulse was erratic. Joan wanted to wait in the parking lot 'til my dad got there. I felt bitter. "Let's not just wait here if he's in there dying. Let's go be with him." We drove around the parking lots looking for my dad. He wasn't there. It was raining and cold. We got out and walked to the door, but it was locked. We went back to the car and drove around to the other side. We had to walk through a long maze of halls back to the other side of the hospital. Up the elevators to the third floor. If he's still around, we should go in," I said, "but if he's already gone, we should wait and let until Grandma can go in and make her peace. Joan went ahead to check and came out nodding and mouthed the words, "He's gone." [pencil sketch of grandfather's dead face] My eyes started to sting and stream. His expression of love for us was unconditional. Gone forever. It seemed trite, and then the tears stung harder, and I rebuked myself again. I saw my dad down the hall staring up at the ceiling in tears. His arms were outstretched. He might have been asking God why or trying to bring Gramps back. He came to me and embraced me and my sister with those arms, sobbing. "You're a good man," I said, rubbing his neck and back, crying. We stayed like that a while. "You want to come see him." We went in. His skin had the unmistakable pallor of the dead. His mouth was open. Grandma was hunched over him, and a new wave of hurt hit. I left the room. I wanted to leave her alone with him for a while. They'd been in love since they were children. "Oh, kids, oh, kids," she said. "He loved you kids so much." We hugged and I kissed her salty face. I ugh. I feel like a ghoul writing like this. My poor grandma. I sat in the waiting room. Never see him again. They saddest of all was how in love they stayed for so many years, and then I cried about Shirelle and me. "God damn, we're playin' football here," I hear my dad in the next room now. I rode back from the hospital with him, just the two of us. The last two John L Zurns. I felt like a failure. I wished I'd had a child to show Grandpa before he was gone. I said nothing. The Beach Boys were on the radio. I wanted to turn it off, but I didn't want my dad to notice me. I'm being called to eat.
posted by johnz at 10:06 AM
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