Pbphhht
12-12 F 8:30 AM
Went to bed ok, but woke up with pain, loss, longing: all the heartbreak staples.
I was getting coffee this morning. Alice Shapiro, the AH teacher was there. "What's new?" she asked. "I can't think of anything," I said. "Five more days after this and we go on vacation," she said. "Yeah, I wish there was a fast forward button for life," I said. "Or a rewind button," she said. That pricked me. Would you be able to go back and change things. I'm a fucking idiot.
9:50 AM Why don't you leave this perfect stranger and come back to the man who has put up with every Lucy stunt you have ever pulled?
"I have some blackheads that need squeezing. would you please come over and do it first chance you get?"
12-15 M 11:10 AM
Dwayne said he had a chimpanzee he taught to sign. He had the chimp with him at a basketball game he was coaching and the chimp called a time out.
Woke up at 2:00 AM this morning and never got to sleep again. Wicked evil torture truly scared on my knees praying to God. Can everything really be this bad? Deep moral confusion. Fear for Shirelle. Scared to hold on and scared to give up. Scared about sex. The evil of sex. The evil of Hollywood. Tore up inside, hurting. Maybe evil doesn't exist. She says his and her sexual fantasies are exactly the same. He's probably bisexual. Unholy agony. What could it be? Give up your suffering. Save your soul. She's out there. Your angel is out there. But what about Sh'relle? Can't I help her? She doesn't want to be helped. Oh, God. Could I have saved her if I wasn't such an asshole? Oh God. Save us. Why am I the one wracked with Hell pain? She doesn't have the awareness. She is motivated only by pleasure. Sin is not a factor for her. What about HIV? What about death? Why does this always happen to me? Am I that fucked up? Why couldn't I have just held when she was upset and scared and jealous? Don't count on me, that was my message. I wanted her to learn independence. Backfire. I don't really know her background that well. Is she more a sexual creature than I? Am I repressed? Do I believe in God? What she's doing to me is evil. Pain like this is demonic? I orchestrated it. God help me. Maybe He's the one hurting me.
Went to bed ok, but woke up with pain, loss, longing: all the heartbreak staples.
I was getting coffee this morning. Alice Shapiro, the AH teacher was there. "What's new?" she asked. "I can't think of anything," I said. "Five more days after this and we go on vacation," she said. "Yeah, I wish there was a fast forward button for life," I said. "Or a rewind button," she said. That pricked me. Would you be able to go back and change things. I'm a fucking idiot.
9:50 AM Why don't you leave this perfect stranger and come back to the man who has put up with every Lucy stunt you have ever pulled?
"I have some blackheads that need squeezing. would you please come over and do it first chance you get?"
12-15 M 11:10 AM
Dwayne said he had a chimpanzee he taught to sign. He had the chimp with him at a basketball game he was coaching and the chimp called a time out.
Woke up at 2:00 AM this morning and never got to sleep again. Wicked evil torture truly scared on my knees praying to God. Can everything really be this bad? Deep moral confusion. Fear for Shirelle. Scared to hold on and scared to give up. Scared about sex. The evil of sex. The evil of Hollywood. Tore up inside, hurting. Maybe evil doesn't exist. She says his and her sexual fantasies are exactly the same. He's probably bisexual. Unholy agony. What could it be? Give up your suffering. Save your soul. She's out there. Your angel is out there. But what about Sh'relle? Can't I help her? She doesn't want to be helped. Oh, God. Could I have saved her if I wasn't such an asshole? Oh God. Save us. Why am I the one wracked with Hell pain? She doesn't have the awareness. She is motivated only by pleasure. Sin is not a factor for her. What about HIV? What about death? Why does this always happen to me? Am I that fucked up? Why couldn't I have just held when she was upset and scared and jealous? Don't count on me, that was my message. I wanted her to learn independence. Backfire. I don't really know her background that well. Is she more a sexual creature than I? Am I repressed? Do I believe in God? What she's doing to me is evil. Pain like this is demonic? I orchestrated it. God help me. Maybe He's the one hurting me.
posted by johnz at 1:55 AM
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