6-4-01 M 11:31 AM

I typed fifteen minutes a little while ago. I read an account of Jesus’ healing of the Roman centurion’s slave on the shore of Galilee, at Capernaum. “Just say the word,” said the soldier, and Jesus said, “Not even in Israel do I have such faith.” Faith. Ugh. I have to go to LACAS today and ask what to do if we suspect a child is autistic. And should I send out flyers? And the filing cabinets? And the books? I guess that’s it. When I’m done here, I’ll read a surah. Then I’ll have to write a third person page. I’ve got write Jim out of the tow yard. It seems impossible. I’ve finally, thoroughly, written it into a dead end. Why don’t I just accept that this is all I am. Whatever. A hot, ultraviolent radiation glares through the dead sky. The bell rings and lunch is over. The kids are back. I haven’t read the news. I didn’t read much on Saturday or Sunday, either. The Face of the Ancient Orient infers the dawn of civilization near three thousand B.C. in Sumeria. It’s all inference. A smoke would fix me up. A smoke and an orgasm. Yeah, right.  [pencil sketch of the front of Notre Dame cathedral] a beer. What else? I feel this fanatic rage that I can think of nothing, and therefore I am nothing.

Knowledge only makes you more aware of your idiocy, your disgusting existence.

Rimbaud:

“Yes, my eyes are closed to your light. I am an animal, a nigger. But I can be saved. You are fake niggers; maniacs, savages, misers, all of you. Businessman, you’re a nigger; judge, you’re a nigger; general, you’re a nigger; emperor, old scratch head, you’re a nigger: you’ve drunk a liquor no one taxes from Satan’s . Sizzstill.”

“I am no prisoner of my own reason. I have said: God. I WANT FREEDOM WITHIN SALVATION: how shall I go about it?

(I have a heart but no balls)

“But I am sill alive! Suppose Damnation is eternal! A man who wants to mutilate himself is certain damned, isn’t he? I believe I am in Hell, therefore, I am. This is the catechism at work. I am a slave of my baptism. You, my parents, have ruined my life, and your own. Poor child! – Hell is powerless against pagans…let me fall to nothingness.