10-14-99 Th 4:35 PM

I’m at Rita Flora on La Brea.  I’ve got an iced tea.  I rode up to Genessee and Willoughby to check out a shit-hole I may live in so I can break it off with Shirelle.  We are so obviously star-crossed.  I feel doomed either way.  I had a steak sandwich from Subway at lunch.  I did not sleep well last night.  Shirelle decided that she was terribly unhappy, and she took great pains to impress that upon me.  She was crying and getting all emotional.  I truly do not understand what her unhappiness has to do with me.  It got to the point at which all I could think of was moving out.  She’ll freak before she lets that happen, mostly because she would lose face in her social circles.  I’m sure I would be intensely unhappy if we split, but only temporarily.  Shirelle bodes permanent cyclical unhappiness.  I resisted this idea at first, but she convinced me:  our relationship sucks.  There’s no respect.  I don’t care enough either way.  We’re plagued by my indifferences and her irrationality.  I keep thinking, too (mistakenly, no doubt), that if I break with her, I’ll be able to work out something more secure with someone like Anna.  I’m trying to be realistic and not factor that into the equation, but in actuality, she is possibly the driving force behind all of this.  Shirelle got up and made breakfast.  She toasted a bagel and put out a bowl of cereal in an attempt to backpedal from how “bad” everything is.  I was not fooled.  She had been talking of the old “love vs. in love” semantic game.  I almost admitted that though I love her and always will, I’m “in” love with Anna.  Lame.  I’m lame.  Then she asked, at one in the morning, if she died, would I still live in that house?  I couldn’t bear anymore foolishness.  I went to the couch to try and sleep.  I psyched myself into moving out and believing that everything will be better if I go for Anna, who loves books and is calm and sensible.  The shit-hole is about a twenty-minute bike ride from Wilshire Hill.  It’s just a block from Fairfax High; I could probably transfer to teach in their adult-ed unit.  It’s right off Melrose where there’s lots to do.  The Yanks and Bosox are about to start.  I have to go to LACAS.